part II

But now, I have finally began to understand his intense and nevereding pursuit to hold a part of him just for himself. Oddly enough, I have grown more mature in these few months. Or, better said, people have grown me. Misery, especially.
Misery caused by these people grown me, taught me as if I was her most beloved child, and in the end it became me. I became misery itself with every bone and vein I have. And all because, day by day I have come to realise that nothing lasts forever. Literally. And before you judge it as being foolish, I've known that nothing lasts forever for some good time, but latley it hit me. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I've finally realised that no one is going to be there for me forever (at some point I secretly desired this, but I gave up the idea long ago). I hoped and I believed that it would be true and that it is possible that someone could really understand your deepest thoughts and wishes, but it was all in vain. Just an illusion.
Everybody gets to a point where they can't understand you anymore and then leave or, even worse, they remain by your side, judging you. And it hurts. It really hurts realising that now you are really on your own, just you and your mind which is already ravished by a lot of b.s. Because you might need a relatively sane mind by your side, just to know that's there, or maybe to give you advice and comfort you.
So yes, it is much better to save something of yourself only for you. To have a part of your mind where people can't go, reach, or touch. Something that remains pure from the world. Because if you put it out there it will be burned to ashes and you'll have nothing left. And it will be so hard to start your life from zero, knowing how good life was once and knowing that you could have kept something just for you.






I do understand you know and it would have been so much better if I had seen this long ago. But maybe it's better like this. As you said, a lot of life has to happen for me from now.